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Posts Tagged ‘kaddish’

I wish.

I’ve always been pretty organized. I’m just one of those, “A place for everything and everything in its place,” people. I like clear plastic storage containers and laminating label makers. I like hanging folders, color-coded files, and multi-sheet shredders. I like alphabetical bookshelves, DVD racks, and CD stacks. I like drawer organizers, shoe racks, and closets divided up by item type and sleeve length. I like knowing where the juice is in the fridge without looking and always having a spare Sharpie around just in case. I like all of these things. And I miss them.

Having kids changed my perspective on a lot of my organizational minutiae. It made me stop sweating the small stuff in a lot of areas, and it forced me to pick my battles as far as getting the family to comply with my hyper-organizational-ism. So, yes, it’s true that my daughter’s clothes are on pink hangers and my son’s are on blue and that I hang my kids’ clothes in sections: polos, tees, long-sleeved shirts, pants, jeans, shorts, skirts, and “other.” But it’s also true that they both get white freebie hangers from miscellaneous clothing stores and that there are completely weather- and size-inappropriate clothes throughout — and shoved in corners of — both their closets because keeping their wardrobes in check just isn’t a high priority these days.

Yeah, you parents know what I'm talking about.

I see quite a bit of this neurotic attention to detail and simultaneous disregard for perfection in Julia. She’ll insist on opening a drawer in her dresser to tuck in the miniscule amount of fabric from her pink tutu that got caught upon closing the drawer, and she cannot go to bed without putting the night’s book(s) back on the shelf. And yet, she’ll overlook her dolls strewn all over her floor and leave a Lego® minefield in the playroom just waiting to sabotage my bare feet.

I see it in Will, too. Will used to spend hours shredding sheet after sheet of newspaper until he found just the right strip to carry for hours or even days on end until it was soft as silk from constant handling. Or he would bring me a chosen piece of yarn and have me wrap duct tape (actively choosing over masking tape or Scotch® tape) around the end of it until it was just so. But then again, Will couldn’t care less about knocking every item off the bathroom counter onto the floor so he can stand naked on it and watch his iPod in the mirror. His room can be (and he often prefers it to be) strewn with his latest obsession, whether it’s ribbons or yarn or cardboard or newspaper.

Of course, it’s different with Will than it is with me or with Julia. I just like knowing where things are, so I have ways of making that happen and keeping our house running as smoothly as possible. But I can sleep if the jelly is on the juice shelf or there are towels waiting to be folded. Julia certainly likes her drawers neat, but she can leave the house without checking each one for protruding fabric. Will’s fixations, on the other hand, aren’t just quirky habits or personal preferences. Will’s behaviors are actual obsessions and compulsions because Will actually has obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). It comes with the autism territory. And it really, really stinks.

This is one of those things about autism that no one really tells you. True, as I learned about autism, I knew Will would have repetitive behaviors. I knew he would most likely lack that social filter that tells us which actions are (and are not) appropriate. But it wasn’t until I read about OCD as part of autism that it really clicked. I understood Will in a different way. I realized that his idiosyncrasies were more than his own peculiar preferences and desires. I saw that it wasn’t simply that he lacked social awareness and hence was free to indulge in his activities without concern for what others thought or a desire to conform. Suddenly, it made more sense to me why Will only eats from plastic spoons. White plastic spoons. And why he has to run in a circle around the driveway before coming in the house. And why he has to come out of his room at bedtime and watch his iPod in the oven’s reflection for a minute before going back to bed. This is OCD. These aren’t just “behaviors” he chooses to stubbornly engage in because he likes them and doesn’t care what we think. These are obsessions. These are compulsions. He doesn’t just want to do these things. He has to.

It’s an overwhelming thing, knowing your 6-(almost 7)-year-old has OCD. And severe autism. And of course then there’s the sensory integration dysfunction, cellular metabolism disorders, food sensitivities, and chronic digestive ailments. It’s quite a lot for a grown adult to handle, let alone a non-verbal child who doesn’t write or use sign language. I suppose it’s a bit ironic that, for someone who craves the order and calm of having each box and file labeled, having these diagnostic labels for my son was initially petrifying. Putting a name on any or all of Will’s traits and challenges made each more real. But now I see that the more I’m able to identify, name, and, yes, label, each of the individual issues that come together to form Will’s autism, the better I can understand him, and hence the better I can help, parent, and guide him.

Of course, it was also an overwhelming thing, 5 years ago this week, when Will was diagnosed with autism. It felt a lot like finding out someone I love had died: That paralyzing pain when his diagnosis was confirmed; the conflicting sensations of drowning in numbness while being assaulted by the migraine-painful assaults of every sight and sound; the denial and bargaining and grief. I remember that day. That hour. That minute. That very second. A sparkling crystal bottle of purple light slipped from the gilded shelf of my soul and shattered into stabbing shards for my heart to absorb while the light, with nothing left to contain it, slipped from my core into nothing.

In the Jewish tradition, we mark the anniversaries of the passings of those closest to us through rituals of prayer (Kaddish) and candlelight called Yartzeit. And so, every year on January 23rd,  I remember that day in 2007. It’s a bit like a Yartzeit for that shattered piece of my soul, for those dreams I held for Will, for the expectations I had of my little family’s future. I mourn my old life and the life I had planned. I mourn the days of being able to make sense of everything, of being able to create order out of any chaos with little more than a label maker and a scrub brush. I mourn the days of thinking it remotely mattered which shelf the juice was on or whether each light switch was labeled. I give myself that day to mourn and remember, and then I let go, remind myself to live each day with gratitude, and move on.

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